I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
