The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
