I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
