yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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