DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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