Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She told me I should be a condom model.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
