I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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