We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
