how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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