remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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