you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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