Please, let me fuck your mom
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
