New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
