You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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