The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
