I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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