If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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