just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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