Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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