i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
