your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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