okay pat passed out under dana's car
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
