Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
