I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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