Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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