3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
