If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
