I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
