I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
