just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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