your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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