Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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