You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
