Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
