there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
