the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
