i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You ate ashes out of my bong
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
