Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
