I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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