since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
