I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
