Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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