If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
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