even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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