the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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