u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
