"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
