Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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