He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
