Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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