Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
